


Pour My Heart To Get You In

by ChiaCat



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, First Time, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Road Trips, Sharing a Bed, Temporary Character Death, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:35:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26118100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiaCat/pseuds/ChiaCat
Summary: When Danny's kidnapping goes a little differently, Steve is forced to contemplate a world without Danny by his side. A cross country road trip leaves him wondering if he's searching for peace or running from how much Danny means to him.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 33
Kudos: 233
Collections: H50 Big Bang 2020





	Pour My Heart To Get You In

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Впущу тебя в свое сердце](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28695453) by [bibigongirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibigongirl/pseuds/bibigongirl)



> This fic would not have seen the light of day if not for the H50 Big Bang, and the lovely people who set it up. Immense thanks to them! To Amanda who listened to me whine, looked it over and told me it didn't suck, you are the best. Thank you so much!

They trace Danny’s cell to an empty warehouse by the docks. Five-O gets there minutes before HPD and Steve’s already pulling on his tac vest and gear. He’s seconds from charging in, knowing his team will be right behind him when his cell phone starts ringing.

He answers impatiently but the voice stops him cold. “It’s good to finally hear your voice, Commander.”

“Who is this?” He puts the phone on speaker, and brings it to a frantic gesturing Tani, who has a laptop flipped open on the back of a squad car.

“My name is Daiyu Mei. I believe you knew my husband, Wo Fat.”

Steve lets that sink in for just a minute, the silence around him deafening. “You have Danny?”

“Correct. In fact he’s right inside the building you’ve surrounded. Now listen closely. I want you and you alone to come in and have a chat with me. There’s something we need to discuss. Do this and Detective Williams will be returned to you. Don’t make the same mistake you did with your father, Commander McGarrett. Do you understand?” 

“How do I know he’s okay?”

There’s a pause before she answers. “Come in and find out for yourself.”

The line goes dead and Steve looks over at Tani who’s frowning down at the laptop. She looks up at Steve. “The trace pinged her here. Unless she has some serious hacking abilities she’s in that building.”

“It’s a trap.” Adam looks at Steve, face grave. “She knows we have her cornered. She has to have an escape route. Danny might not even be in there and you’d be walking into an execution, Steve.” 

Steve doesn’t need to be told this, he already knows. He hears echoes of a shot ring out and him screaming in denial. After ten years guilt at his father’s death still shouldn’t feel so raw. He swallows roughly around a lump in his throat. “She has to want something, otherwise she’d have just taken me.” Steve looks at the concerned faces of his team. “I have to try,” he says. “It’s Danny.”

Steve looks to Lou, who’s been uncharacteristically silent. He’s got a deep frown on his face but he nods. “Half hour. You got half an hour and then we’re coming in guns blazing after your ass. You hear me?”

Steve nods and starts unloading his guns into Junior’s hands. He keeps his vest on but digs a few knives out to add to the pile. Junior grabs his arm before he leaves but doesn’t say anything. Steve knows the _be careful, come back_ look with only a glance, and gives Junior’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Steve walks slowly towards the entrance, hands slightly out to his side to show he’s unarmed. He thinks he sees movement on the roof but it’s gone after a moment. Steve gets to the door and slowly opens it. The warehouse is vast, high columns throughout and completely empty. Steve was expecting a welcoming parting, men with guns to take him to Daiyu Mei, but there’s not a soul in sight. “Hello?” There’s no response and Steve starts looking around.

Off to the left is a doorway and with a sinking feeling he heads towards it. The doorway leads to a hallway with old office rooms on each side. Steve glances at the one closest to him and then he’s running, pushing his way in. “Danny!” He’s on a metal table in the middle of the room, not moving and covered in blood. 

Steve rushes to his side, reaching out automatically to touch his face, finding it cool to the touch. “Danny, hey.” He searches for a pulse and can’t find it, his hand sliding on tacky, congealed blood. “No, no, no.” Steve starts shaking his shoulder, turning frantic as what he’s seeing starts setting in. “Danny, come on, don’t do this to me.” His lips are tinted blue and there’s blood _everywhere_ but it’s not the bright red of fresh blood, it’s the dark red stain of old. Steve still can’t find his damn pulse. “No!” 

There’s movement in his peripheral vision but Steve ignores it, putting a shaking hand to Danny’s chest, hoping to feel him breathing. He doesn’t. Voices call out to him but he ignores them still, starting sloppy CPR because he can’t seem to stop shaking. Hands grab at him but he shoves them away because Danny’s not breathing and he can’t be… he can’t be. 

More hands grab him and try to pull him away from Danny. He fights viciously without thought until a sudden blow hits him on the back of his head. It makes his vision go dark for a moment, and he pitches forward. Steve scrambles to hold onto the table, but it’s useless as his assailants grab him tightly under his arms. The scene blurs in front of him but he can’t look away. They drag him out of the room and the last thing he sees clearly is Danny’s arm hanging lifelessly off the table. 

***

They don’t take him far, just down the hallway and into the farthest room on the opposite side of the hall. There’s only a chair in the middle of the room instead of a table. The men dump him onto it, and one of them frisks him quickly before seizing his hands in front of him and zip tying them together. 

Steve doesn’t fight, can barely feel the bite of plastic digging into his wrists. He feels the numbness spreading through him, the ebb and flow of reality pulling away from him. It’s a familiar feeling, one so recent he can see his mother’s blood spreading out from under his hands. He lets the shock take him, feeling the edges of despair weighing in on him and knows with undue clarity that he won’t come back from it this time. 

Steve fights hard to keep himself in the present as the men flank him and Steve spares them both a glance, finally noticing they’re both armed. The one to his left has his holstered on his hip, and the one to the right of him has his tucked clumsily into his pants. They’re hired muscle, probably loyal, but just hired muscle nonetheless. He realizes this through a fog, a checklist to go through and so notices when the men stand up straighter, as though standing at attention.

He hears it then, heels clicking on concrete floors and then Daiyu Mei steps into the room. She’s followed by only one henchmen, albeit a large one, and Steve pegs him for a personal bodyguard. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Commander McGarrett.”

Steve stares at her steadily, taking in the immaculate pantsuit; her purposely emotionless face. He feels a flicker of anger spark to life. It’s enough to make him swallow on a dry throat and ask, “Why?”

“It’s simple. You killed the man I loved most in the world. Now I’ve killed the man you loved most in the world. Very eye for an eye, don’t you think?” 

She doesn't smile at him and her tone is even as can be, and Steve feels his control slip. “He didn’t give me a choice.”

“Maybe he didn’t.” Daiyu Mei says lightly, before her eyes darken and snap to meet his gaze. “Maybe you didn’t have to shoot him in the head.” Her flare of real emotion is gone in a blink of an eye. She lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “The ends only justify themselves. Wo Fat is still dead. And now so is Danny Williams.”

It’s like a sucker punch to the gut, and Steve chokes on nothing but air. Daiyu Mei watches him, a glimpse of pleasure appearing on her face. He closes his eyes to shut her out, and focuses on getting his breathing under control. He can’t lose it. Not yet. Steve takes a deep breath. “This isn't just about revenge,” he says, opening his eyes. “What do you want from me?”

Her mouth tilts in the slightest of smiles. "My husband did always mention how smart you were," she says, like this pleases her. "You have something that's rightfully mine. The cipher."

Steve blinks slowly, taking another hit without showing it. "That's what this is about? Doris?" 

She arches an eyebrow. “Isn’t it telling how you refer to your own mother by her name,” she says. “I heard you were present when she was killed, Commander. Traumatic, I’m sure, but at least you know it’s for _real_ this time.”

Steve brushes aside her barbed words. “And if I say no?” he asks. “What are you gonna do? Torture me?” His tone is mocking because she killed— Steve can’t even finish the thought. She has no leverage over him. He’ll let her torture him. He doesn’t _care._

Daiyu Mei smiles. “I’m afraid we don’t have time for that,” she says, and then her levity vanishes. “What I do have is men on the roof with enough artillery to take out an army.” Her face is a hardened mask. “Your team, your police are exactly where I want them. Now tell me where the cipher is or bury more than one friend tonight.”

Steve remembers a blur of movement on his way in, and doesn’t think she’s bluffing.

She holds up a cell phone. “One call,” she says. “Choice wisely, Commander.”

In the end his decision is laughably easy. “It’s in my back pocket. Right side.”

Daiyu Mei gives him a long, searching look before nodding at the guy to his right.

The guy pushes him forward, and leans down to search him. Steve headbutts him, slamming the back of his head into the guy's face. He twists, grabbing the man's gun out of his pants with both hands before the guy hits the floor. A second later Steve’s firing shots at the other guard before standing up and kicking his chair at the first guard trying to get up. Steve’s next bullets hit him dead in the chest.

"Enough!" Steve swings his gun around and finds Daiyu Mei has a gun pointed at him. So does her bodyguard. "You can't win this," she says, face tightened in anger. "Give me the cipher and we both walk out of here."

“You made a mistake,” Steve tells her, his eyes never leaving her face. “Now I have nothing to lose.”

He watches her eyes widen. “He’s not—” A gunshot eats the rest of her words as Steve’s bullet hits her forehead. She gets a shot off but it veers off course, hitting him in his left arm. Steve takes the hit, already firing at her bodyguard. He feels two bullets hit high on his vest, right on his collarbone on his left side. Steve falls to one knee on impact, feeling the wind knocked out of him. He looks up and sees his aim was better, hitting the guy right through an eye.

“Fuck,” Steve breathes out, and takes a moment to realize he’s still alive and not fatally wounded. He staggers to his feet, and there’s blood dripping down his arm but he’s pretty sure the bullet went through. 

Steve’s walking towards the door before he knows what he’s doing, gun at the ready. It ends up not mattering as the hall is empty, and he makes his way down to the room Danny was in. He stops before entering, noticing a smear of blood on the floor outside the room. Steve braces himself and walks through the doorway. There’s a blinding moment of hope when he sees the table is empty. Danny’s body is gone. Then Steve notices more blood trails along the floor. Like someone had dragged a body out of the room.

Steve finds himself standing in front of the table, seeing Danny in every crime scene. Every dead body 5-0 has ever found, and suddenly he can’t breathe. His hands start shaking, and he realizes the gun is still in his hand. Steve flips the safety on and drops it onto the table, metal clacking loudly against metal. He starts tearing at his vest, breaths stuttering out too fast. He needs it _off_ now. He finally gets the fastenings undone and it falls to the ground. Steve stumbles until his back hits the wall on the other side of the room and he falls, sliding down it. 

He’s light headed by the time his breathing slows down. He can’t keep his eyes off the table in front of him and that confused, numbness starts taking hold again. There’s sudden commotion outside the room, shouts and loud bangs, and Steve’s a sitting duck. He tries to care but can’t bring himself too. 

Junior’s the first through the door, gun out and on high alert. He sees Steve and hurries to his side. “Steve!” He quickly starts checking him over. “You hurt? Steve?”

Steve hears him talking but has a hard time acknowledging it. Tani comes up behind Junior’s shoulder, concern etched in her face. “Steve? You alright? Did you find Danny?”

Steve stirs at Danny’s name. His lips move and he doesn’t feel it. “Danny’s dead.”

*** 

Junior and Tani lift him up ignoring his protests that he’s okay, and can walk by himself. Tani shoulders herself under his bad arm as Junior takes point in front of them. Steve sees Junior talking into the walkie on his vest but doesn't hear it. He wants to tell Tani to let him go, he’s getting blood in her hair.

They lead him to an ambulance as soon as they’re out of the building. Steve doesn’t complain, sitting in the back of the wide open doors as the paramedics barrage him with questions. He forces himself to give one syllable answers.

One paramedic tries to get a blood pressure cuff on him, and the other wipes blood away from his bullet wound. Everything feels muted and Steve feels like a ghost in the chaos around him. Quinn and Adam rush to meet him, but Junior and Tani intercede them before they can get to him. Steve watches them talk from about fifteen feet away and can tell they don’t believe him. Or looking at the despair on their faces, maybe they just don’t want to.

Lou comes around the side of the warehouse like a man on a warpath, flanked by police officers. He notices the team standing together and barks out. “What the hell happened?” He marches to them and Steve witnesses a quick hushed conversation.

Lou’s the only one that comes to him after, and Steve’s never been so grateful or so ashamed. He’s not sure he can do this with an audience no matter how much his team deserve answers.

Lou looks at the paramedics. “Can you give us a minute?” They have a silent conversation between them, and the girl wrapping a bandage around his arm finally nods. “Yes, but Commander McGarrett needs to go to the hospital.”

Steve doesn’t think it’s necessary but Lou just nods. “Of course. We’ll get him looked over, don’t you worry.” That seems to be enough because they leave towards the front of the ambulance and Steve is left feeling like they’ve treated him before.

“Steve.” Lou’s face is serious, but more gentle than he’s ever seen directed at him. Steve doesn’t think he’s ever felt so weak. “What happened?” 

Steve steels himself, and tells him in short, clinical sentences, nothing but the basic facts. His voice only wavers at the end. “Lou, his body was gone. We have to— we have to—”

“We’ll find him. We will.” Lou takes a deep breath and tears are silently falling down his cheeks. “Steve, I have to ask. Is this a rescue or a recovery?”

Steve knows what he’s asking, and he knows what he should say and can’t do it. He can’t. “Both,” his voice feels scraped with gravel. “I want everyone looking everywhere. Until he’s found.” 

“Okay.” Lou wipes a hand down his face. “I got this, Steve.” He makes a come forth gesture to the paramedics. “Let them patch you up.” He must anticipate Steve's protest cause he rushes to add, "Take a minute to get stitched up. You’re no use to us bleeding on everything.” 

The fight goes out of Steve and he lets the paramedics bundle him into the ambulance. His whole team is watching him, and he can’t help the relief he feels when the ambulance doors swing shut.

***

Steve gets stitched up with barely any memory of it at all, a sign he’s done this too many times. The doctor that looks him over presses for an X-ray of his shoulder where the bullets hit him. He gives in without much fight, and is finally released when nothing ends up being broken. No bones are broken at least.

He’s not surprised to see Junior in the waiting room when he comes out, but the look on his face makes his stomach clench up with dread. 

“We found surveillance cameras,” Junior tells him without preamble. “There’s footage of both rooms you were in.” He’s holding a tablet in his hand but he hesitates in giving it to Steve. “Nothing’s conclusive but...” Junior trails off and hands him the tablet reluctantly. 

Steve hits play on the video already on the screen and Danny’s lying on the table just as he’d last seen him. After a moment a guy comes in and pulls him roughly off the table, like he’s nothing more than a heavy bag of trash. Danny hits the floor in a hard, boneless sprawl and the guy grabs his arms, dragging him out. Another guy shows up outside the doorway, and he stoops to pick up Danny’s legs to help carry him out. 

“There’s more. He’s taken to the other side of the warehouse, and out through a back door.” Junior says very softly. “It’s right by the docks.”

Steve feels sick, and he’s afraid he’s going to vomit all over Juniors shoes for a good minute. He swallows it down and is suddenly very, very done. He can’t do this anymore. “Five-O is off the case. Tell everyone to go home,” he says, throat like sandpaper. “HPD can handle it from here until morning.” 

Something on his face must show how close to losing it he really is because Junior just nods and says, “I’ll take you home.”

***

The drive to his house is oppressively silent after Junior calls Lou, the concern and grief pouring from him is palatable, and the car’s barely stopped before Steve’s getting out. He’s so focused on escape it takes him a moment to realize Junior’s following him.

He stops abruptly. “What are you doing?”

Junior frowns. “I still live here?”

“All your stuff is at Tani’s,” Steve tells him. “You haven’t stayed here in months.”

Junior blows out a breath and cuts the charade. “I don’t think you should be left alone right now.”

Steve wants to laugh but doesn't think he’d ever stop. Instead he says, “If I was going to do anything stupid I’d have done it by now.”

Junior’s eyes widen. “If you think that’s supposed to make me feel better,” he stops and his face twists, emotion overtaking him and Steve’s dark humor disappears. 

Because through his own pain and grief, Steve sees fear. Junior’s scared for _him_. “I have two very good reasons not to do anything stupid.” It’s a little too close to revealing things Steve doesn’t want to share, but he needs Junior to believe him. 

Junior’s face softens. “Are you going to tell them?”

Panic hits him hard. “No!” bursts out of him before he can stop it, and he tries to cover for it. “No, not until he’s found. Not until he’s home.”

Junior just nods, and they’re both distracted by Tani pulling in behind Steve’s truck. She gets out of the car, but keeps her distance like she doesn’t want to intrude on their conversation. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her hair’s stuffed into a messy ponytail. It hurts to look at her too long. “You’re really going to leave her alone?” Steve asks. “She needs you right now.”

Junior looks torn but he also can’t keep his eyes off her, and Steve knows he’s won. He reaches to take his truck keys out of Junior’s hands, but he grabs on, not letting Steve’s hand go. “You call or text me tonight,” he says, putting his other hand on top of their clasped hands. “You don’t and Tani and I are coming over to sleep on your living room floor.”

Steve gives a curt nod, throat too tight to speak, and as soon as Junior lets go of his hand, he makes his retreat. He doesn’t stop until his house door swings shut behind him.

***

Eddie greets him at the door, tail wagging and Steve’s heart skips a beat. “Eddie, hey boy.” He’d forgotten he was here waiting on him, and he falls just a little bit more apart. Steve kneels down, burying his face in fur and just breaths. Eddie wiggles excitedly, and gives him a few licks to the face. “You hungry? Huh, boy?”

Steve gets up slowly, petting Eddie repeatedly, who at least doesn’t seem to mind. He gets Eddie’s food ready almost on auto-pilot, and is at a loss once he’s done. Steve should shower, put on clean clothes, maybe even eat something, but he can’t bring himself to do any of it. He catches sight of Danny’s empty coffee cup left in the sink and it’s like Danny’s everywhere; his shoes are left by the back door, reading glasses he swears he doesn’t need on the counter, a throw he always uses on the back of the couch. 

Before any conscious decision is made he’s rummaging in the back of a kitchen cabinet, finding a bottle of expensive bourbon that Lou had gotten him for his birthday or Christmas. He doesn’t even remember. He gets the cap off and takes a swallow, and it’s smooth all the way down, with a slightly sweet aftertaste. Lou really knows his bourbon and would be horrified with how he’s about to drink it.

He lets Eddie out, walking down to the beach to a brilliant sunset. He sees Danny’s empty chair and really wonders if the hits will ever stop. Steve passes his chair, can’t sit in either of them, and falls to the sand to sit. He takes another drink and leans back against Danny’s chair, watching Eddie chase the tide. 

Steve drinks steadily, knowing it will hit him hard and fast on an empty stomach, but he’s never wanted sobriety less in his life. Anything that will slow the weight of despair from sinking its teeth into him. He can feel it pulling at him, a blinding realization that if Danny’s gone he can’t do this anymore. Ten years. Ten fucking years. What is he supposed to do with that? It should have been _him_ on that table, his blood spilt, and his body thrown down like trash. It was all because of his fucked up family, and _his_ price to pay. Steve feels like he’s choking on his own guilt and failure, and knows there’s not enough whiskey in the world to help swallow it down. 

He thinks of telling Rachel and it’s the fleeting image of Grace’s smile, the remnants of Charlie’s laughter that rips a sob from him, and another, and another until they don’t stop and he can’t breathe through the agony of it. There’s whine off to the side and then he has a lap full of concerned dog. Steve grabs a hold of him, and tries to muffle his cries into Eddie’s yellow fur. He eventually quiets, lulled by the sound of waves and Eddie’s breathing. His longing to get away for a while ignites into a burning desire to escape. Light a match and watch his bridges burn. “Looks like it’s just you and me now, boy,” he murmurs, soothing a hand down Eddie's back. “Want to go some place with snow?” Eddie just leans into his hand when he scratches behind his ears. “I hear Canada is nice,” Steve tells him. “Or Alaska? We can watch the northern lights together.” 

His phone goes off in his pocket and it’s a struggle, almost spilling whiskey on the dog, and a bright flare of pain in his shoulder before he wiggles it out. But it’s just Junior checking in on him. He types a lie out with undue focus, and tosses his phone onto the sand beside him. Steve notices his bullet wound is on fire, and he can barely lift his left shoulder to hold Eddie. It’s almost a relief to focus on physical pain and let the rest fade to the side. He tips his head back to rest on the seat of the chair and looks up at the stars, sees an ocean sparkling in the sky, and drifts on its waves. 

***

Steve wakes up vomiting, rather violently, onto the sand. He throws up until there’s nothing left, and he’s just painfully dry heaving. Everything hurts, like he’s been run over by a tank, and he’s absurdly grateful he didn't throw up on his dog. He rolls away from it, laying on his back and sees light brightening the sky to the east. It gives him a bolt of adrenaline, enough to make him sit up and search for his phone. He finds it a couple of feet away, and stumbles to get up on stiff, still kinda drunk legs. Steve picks it up, only to find it dead. At least he hadn’t thrown up on it either.

Eddie comes running up, legs wet from the ocean and tongue hanging out. They make their way up to the house and Steve plugs in his phone first thing. He makes a quick trip to the bathroom, and rinses his mouth out to get rid of the foul taste. His eyes avoid the mirror like it’s got the plague.

Eddie gets breakfast early, and then Steve checks his home phone for missed calls, finding a few from Duke, and a missed message. His heart skips a beat and he knows he doesn’t want to hear what’s on that message. He hits play anyways. “Steve, this is Duke. We found Danny, he’s—”

The front door opens and Danny walks in, and Steve feels the phone slip out of nerveless fingers. Everything goes out of focus for a moment, and he has to lock his knees to keep from falling down. Danny’s wearing light blue scrubs, and he’s pale with vivid bruising and cuts to his face, but _alive_ and _here_. It’s like waking from a nightmare and Steve’s not sure he believes what’s in front of him.

“Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated,” Danny says, as he closes the door. He turns back around with a hint of a smile on his face. “I’ve always wanted to say that.” 

Steve has to close his eyes as the relief that goes through him feels like fire in his veins. It’s almost like pain. He opens his eyes to see Danny frowning at him, and Steve is unable to say a single word.

Danny looks Steve up and down, frown deepening. “What the hell happened to you?” 

Steve can’t get his mouth to work but his legs move without his consent, and he’s pulling Danny to him, a semblance of a hug, but it’s just Steve clinging to him for dear life, trying to get as close as humanly possible. 

Danny startles at first but then turns into it, hugging him back. Steve hunches down a little and hides his face into Danny’s shoulder, knowing he’s holding on too tight and doesn’t care. Danny makes soothing rubbing gestures on his back. “Hey, big guy, hey.”

Steve realizes he’s trembling and doesn’t know how to make it stop. “ _Danny_.”

Danny takes a step back. ”You’re starting to scare me. Come on, sit down before you fall down.” Danny guides him to the couch, and nudges him down. Danny doesn’t go far, grabbing the edge of the coffee table and pulling it a tad bit closer, sitting on it right in front of him. Steve has to hide his face in his hands as he pulls himself together. 

With great effort Steve looks up at Danny, who’s clearly rattled and trying not to show it. “What’s this?” he asks, gesturing at the bandage still on Steve’s arm. “What happened to you?”

Steve shakes his head. “Nothing, merely a scratch.”

“Uh huh,” Danny says, voice dry as dust. "That’s a lot of blood on your shirt for just a scratch.” Steve wants to tell him some of it’s yours, but keeps his mouth shut. At Steve’s continued silence he prompts, “Wanna tell me why everyone thinks I’m dead then?”

Steve really doesn’t want to tell this story a second time, but isn’t seeing another option. He grabs one of Danny’s hands, and stares at it instead of his face as he tells him what happened. Danny makes a few strangled noises but mostly keeps quiet, and Steve can’t help but rush the story, keeping details to a minimum. Doesn’t mention getting shot at all. He ends on a soft, “I thought I’d lost you.”

“Nah,” Danny says, tone trying to be light and not quite hitting it. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” 

Steve lets go of Danny’s hand and takes a deep breath. “How?” he asks. “How are you here?”

Danny pointedly tugs Steve’s hand back into his, and blows out a breath. “That is, that is a long and weird story.” He sighs. “It started as your usual kidnapping, hanging from the rafters, ugly lackeys with bad hygiene punching you in the face,” he says, nose scrunching up in distaste. “Then Daiyu Mei walks in with a tall dude, and this is where it starts getting weird. This guy has a briefcase full of scalpels, pulls my shirt open, and starts cutting me. Like death by a thousand cuts kinda thing. I’m bleeding everywhere and it stings like a motherfucker.” He pulls his too large scrub top down and shows Steve his chest full of small cuts, some with bandages still on them. “ _Then_ he pulls a big fat needle out and stabs me with it.” 

Danny tugs his shirt back up. “I got groggy real fast. A few guys got me down and dragged me to a freezer truck. Like for fish?” He makes a face. “Smelled like one anyway. Whatever they gave me knocked me out real quick. My last thought was you guys were gonna find me as a popsicle.” 

A laugh bursts out of Steve before he can stop it. “I’m sorry,” he says, to Danny’s offended look. “It’s just,” he stops and rubs tiredly at his face. “She wanted to fake your death.” Everything fit together like the most fucked up jigsaw puzzle. Danny being gift wrapped on a silver platter for him to find, covered in blood and still cold to the touch. The comments Daiyu Mei made about his _mother._ “She was going to give you back to me just to take you away again. Just like my mother.” It might have worked too, he had played right into her hands, desperate and mindless at finding Danny like he had. Daiyu Mei had used his guilt at his parents death against him. She had just underestimated what the thought of Danny dead would do to him. 

A disgusted look of disbelief appears on Danny’s face. “Christ, Wo Fat and her really were a match made in hell.” His eyes flicker up to Steve’s face. “God, babe, I am not sorry you made them both worm food.”

Steve jerks his head in acknowledgment and Danny turns silent, a troubled look on his face. Steve points at his clothes, and prompts, “How’d you end up with your charming new outfit?”

Danny seems to take a moment to gather his thoughts. “Uh, so next thing I know I’m waking up in a van with the lackeys with the bad hygiene.” He rolls his eyes like their existence offends him. “I escaped by crashing the van, running into traffic, and then manfully passing out in a nice lady’s backseat after she almost hit me.” 

Steve raises his eyebrows and Danny shrugs at him. “She must have dumped me at a hospital cause that’s where I woke up next at three in the morning. A nurse helped me get a hold of Duke and escape, uh, I mean get released.” Danny finishes with a wry smile. “He didn’t think I should get in a taxi with my old clothes on for some reason.”

Silence falls between them and Steve has trouble looking away, knows he’s staring and can't figure out a way to stop. A bone-deep weariness hits him, like he’s been hollowed out and all that’s left is just a shell. “We need to call Lou, and the rest of the team. They’ll wanna know you’re here.” It’s a huge understatement, but Steve trips up on saying _they’ll want to know you’re not dead._

Danny gets a deep furrow between his brows. “You okay?” 

“I’m just tired,” Steve says, thinking he’s only half lying. “And I need a shower.” He gets up, feeling twice his age, and picks up his dropped phone. It’s still on and he turns it off, only to have it ring in his hands a few seconds later. It’s Junior, or Tani, or probably both. Steve hands it to Danny. “It’s for you.”

Steve heads up the stairs, stopping at the landing to look back down at Danny gesturing wildly, trying to calm down whoever’s on the phone. His relief is weighed down, heavy with something he just can’t quite grasp. He doesn’t want to let Danny out of his sight, out of his reach, but he also has a terrified urge to run. And never stop.

***

It probably says something about Steve that he keeps Saran Wrap under his bathroom sink just for the sole purpose of keeping his stitches from getting wet when he showers. But he’s too tired for self-analysis, and he's just grateful to his own foresight.

He feels marginally better after a shower, and putting on clean shorts. He's struggling with putting on a loose tank, his arm and shoulder screaming in pain when he tries to move, when Danny raps on his door, pushing it open a moment later. 

Steve must be moving slow because Danny’s showered and changed too, and Steve usually has him beat by a mile. Danny walks in and his eyebrows raise up to his hairline, but he doesn't say a word. He invades Steve's personal space, brushing his fingertips on the dark purple bruises the bullets had left along his collarbone. Steve knows they look nasty and tries to cut off any yelling. “They look worse than they are. Nothing’s even broken. I had them checked out at the hospital.”

But Danny just traces a finger along the outside of a bruise, face tight with tension. "You were lucky, any higher and the Kevlar wouldn't have stopped them."

Steve sighs. Of course Danny would notice that. "I'm fine, Danno."

Danny looks up to meet his gaze, an intense look in his eye. "Just a scratch, huh?"

Steve can’t read him, and he’s thrown off kilter at Danny’s strange reaction. Usually there’s a lot more yelling or pained resignation by now.

Danny must see his confusion because his face clears, and he takes a step back. "Give me that, you invalid." 

Steve lets him take his shirt that was hanging limp and forgotten in his hand. Danny helps him pull it on, and his words were obviously just for show because his touch is unusually gentle. 

Steve mutters a thanks but Danny just shrugs him off. “You hungry? I was going to make some eggs.”

Steve knows he should eat but his stomach turns at the thought. “I’m okay. I’ll make something later.” He sits down on his bed, more tired than he can ever remember.

Danny stares at him for a moment before taking a seat next to him. He says gruffly, “You should put some ice on that.”

Steve doesn’t reply, knowing anything he says will just make it worse. Besides Danny’s not wrong.

Danny sighs loudly next to him. “I know you’re still planning on leaving,” he says. “I think you should postpone it. Just for a little while. Till you’re more settled.”

“I,” Steve starts and stops, at a loss for what to say. He knows Danny’s been worried about him, and hasn’t wanted Steve to leave on such vague terms to begin with. “I’m thinking of going to visit Mary.” The idea solidifies in his mind as soon as he says it, a way for Danny to stop worrying, and a place for Steve to start figuring out where he’s actually going. “Spend some time with Joanie, she’s growing up so fast.”

“Yeah?” Danny sounds surprised. “That’s, that’s a good idea. Not Jersey, but it’ll do.”

There’s a wane smile on Danny’s face and it makes Steve’s heart heavy. “It’s only for a little while, Danny.”

“Yeah,” Danny mutters, but it doesn’t sound like he believes him. The sound of a car door shutting makes him straighten up. “I, uh, forgot to mention everyone invited themselves over.”

Steve rubs his eyes, and knows he won’t make it through this no doubt tearful reunion. “I think I’m going to sit this one out,” he tells him. “I’m pretty tired.” 

Danny’s face is ill-concealed worry. “Okay.” He gets up and walks to the door. “I’ll save some food for you.” 

“Danny?” Steve can’t stop from calling out. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Danny doesn't turn back around. “Me too.”

***

It takes five days for Steve to get ready to leave, mostly having to do with Lincoln calling him the next day and telling him to get down to the cemetery. Which leads him to piles of cash, a confused Lincoln and even more tired resignation over his mother. His immediate reaction is to get rid of it, he wants absolutely no part of the money that had nearly cost Danny’s his life. But then he thinks it’s not just his money, and an idea forms on what they could do with it. Besides, anyway to fuck with the CIA gives him a petty form of pleasure.

Lincoln helps him deal with it, amusement radiating off him the whole time. Steve might have changed his mind if he’d known what exactly having this kinda money entailed, lawyers, bankers, even a call from the governor. But in the end he’s sitting on more money than he’d ever use in his lifetime. He buys Lincoln a beer afterwards, takes his badge off his belt and slides it over to him on the bar. It’s not exactly how he wanted to do this, but it feels like the right time.

Lincoln picks it up and raises an eyebrow at him.

Steve shrugs. “I’m going away for a while. Was wondering if you’d mind looking out for my team for me.”

Lincoln stares down at the badge. “I don’t know what to say.”

Steve laughs. “Say yes.”

Lincoln grins and nods. “Yes.”

Steve takes a sip of beer, and hesitates for a moment. “Keep eye on Danny for me? He’ll never say it but he’s been through a lot lately.”

Lincoln nods, and looks indecisive for a second before pulling a pen from his pocket and writing something down on a napkin. “You never asked how I decoded that cipher,” he says. “This is her hotel and room number she’s staying at. I really think she’d want to see you.”

Steve jerks his eyes up to Lincoln’s in surprise. He slowly takes the napkin and puts it in his pocket. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Lincoln smiles, and orders them another beer.

***

Steve goes to his father’s grave afterwards and sits on the bench near it. Thinks of coming here ten years ago, thinks of all the times after that he’s sat in this exact spot. A realization has been starting to take hold since Danny’s kidnapping, and that’s the fact that he’s never gotten over his father’s death. Or the first time his mother died, let alone the second. He’s been chasing his tail for ten years, running himself ragged over things he can’t let go, at guilt that still eats at him to this day. The many regrets he can’t seem to shake no matter how much time has passed. If he ever wants to find peace, to be _happy_ , he’s gotta learn to let things go, even if it hurts.

He gets up and bends down to touch his father’s headstone. “Goodbye, dad.” He pulls a wrinkled napkin out of his pocket and lets it fall into the trashcan on his way back to his truck.

***

Danny and Eddie take him to the airport the next day, mindless of Steve's objection that he could just take a cab. He doesn’t want another emotional goodbye, his team had already ambushed him before he’d left, and he can barely swallow around the hard lump in his throat.

They pull up to the drop off terminal and Danny helps him unload his bags. Steve kneels down and showers Eddie with all the love and pets he can. It still feels like he’s abandoning him, it feels like hell. “You take care of Danno, alright. Make sure he gets enough exercise, yeah? Don’t want him to get too soft.” Steve kisses Eddie’s head and doesn’t feel embarrassed about it.

“Hilarious,” Danny says, watching him. “You gonna give me a kiss too?”

Steve feels an unexpected rush, an anxious twist of emotion. Makes himself roll his eyes. “You can have a hug. Come here.”

Steve’s thrown off balance, and questions whether he’s hugging too hard or for too long. Danny pulls away with what seems to be a permanent frown on his face. “Call me when you get there.”

Steve nods, and wants to say I love you, but it dies on his tongue for some reason. All thoughts on letting things go fly out the window too because he can’t make himself say goodbye either. He settles on, “See you later.”

“I better,” Danny mumbles but then softer. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

Steve only looks back once, can’t help it, sees Danny petting Eddie and turns back around. Some things just hurt too much.

***

Staying at Mary's is better than expected, given how Steve’s been feeling. Joanie’s grown two inches since he’s seen her, and Mary’s radiating happiness so much that it makes it obvious that Steve’s… not.

But Mary takes it in stride with barely a comment, and her source of happiness becomes apparent a few days into his stay when she brings a guy home for dinner. He introduces himself as Luka with an earnest handshake. He’s short and nerdy, with curly brown hair and obviously smitten with his sister. Steve likes him despite himself and tries to tone down his usual hostility at the guys Mary dates. 

He corners Mary in the kitchen after dinner when Luka’s playing frisbee with Joanie and the neighbors dog in the backyard. “Luka, huh?”

Mary puts a dish in the dishwasher and gives him the stink eye. “Don’t start.”

Steve throws up his hands in surrender. “I’m just saying. I like him.”

Mary eyes him, but relents. “I do too.”

“I’m still going to have Danny do a background check on him,” Steve tells her.

She surprises him by nodding. “Tell me if you find anything.”

“You _really_ like him,” Steve says in amazement.

“I really do, but,” she rinses off her hands, and dries them on a dish towel. “But it’s not just me anymore.”

Steve looks out the window and watches Luka dancing with the dog, and Joanie shrieking in laughter. “I know, sis.” He clears his throat. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Is it why you’re in such a funk?” She grabs two beers out of the fridge, sits at the kitchen table and pats the spot next to her. “I’m all ears.”

“No,” he says, grabbing the extra beer out of her hand and sitting down. “Not really.” Steve takes a moment to get his thoughts in order. “Turns out mom left us a lot of money.”

“Burn it,” Mary says instantly. “I don’t want a damn thing from that woman.”

Steve’s mouth inches up in a smile, for all their differences they’re still alike in a lot of ways too. “I had the same thought at first.” He takes a drink of beer. “I set up a college fund for Charlie, and a trust fund for Grace.”

“Does Danny know about this?” Mary interrupts him.

“Of course not,” he scoffs, and continues after Mary rolls her eyes at him. “I even put some back for myself just in case.” He leans closer to her, hoping she sees his sincerity. “I think you should do the same and we donate the rest.”

Mary eyes him skeptically. “You’re really going to keep some of mom’s guilt money?”

“She’s dead,” he says bluntly. “I’ve been trying to let things go.”

Mary is silent for a minute, and then hesitantly says,” There were some charities that helped Joanie and me out in the beginning. Wouldn’t mind giving them something back.”

Steve smiles. “I got some in mind too.” There’s a few homeless and food shelters he’s already donated to, but he knows there’s many more he wants to help. 

A barking dog and a laughing seven year-old come running into the house, interrupting them. Mary jumps to her feet. “Joan! It’s not even our dog!”

Steve sits back with his beer and plans a tactical operation to get Joan a dog for Christmas.

***

A week later Steve’s looking for a truck to buy, the beginnings of a plan for a cross country road trip seizing him. Seems a shame he’s never really seen the country he spent so many years trying to keep safe. He’s picking up pizza to take home when he sees a for sale sign and a shiny black hood.

He stops and admires the car despite it being the exact opposite of what he was looking for. It’s four doors, black as night and Steve can’t seem to find any flaws. The owner comes out, a big burly guy with a beard, and he asks, “What year is she?”

The guy grins. “1977,” he replies. “Mercury Cougar Brougham. Put her back together myself.”

Steve smiles, and shoots a look to the heavens. Maybe some things shouldn’t be forgotten. “Can we go for a test drive?”

The guy's hoot of laughter makes Steve believe in fate just for a second. 

***

Steve will always be grateful for Mary’s ability to take goodbyes and turn them into endless bickering matches. “Mary for the last time the car’s not going to breakdown and leave me stranded in the desert for buzzards to pick off.”

Mary crosses her arms. “You don’t know that,” she says stubbornly. “What if you lose your phone and get lost?”

“I’ll buy an atlas,” he says exasperatedly, and valiantly refrains from reminding her of how he makes a living. “I’m going to be fine.”

Mary wrinkles her nose. “They still make those?”

Steve sighs and pulls her into a hug. “I’ll keep in touch, okay?” 

Mary pulls back from the hug. “I love you, bro. You know that, right?” 

“Yeah,” Steve says roughly. “I love you too.”

Mary turns to the back seat of his car and coaxes Joanie out. “Come on. It’s time to say goodbye to uncle Steve.” 

Steve catches her as she throws herself at him, and he makes sure to hide any tears in her hair. “Take care of your mom for me, okay?” Joanie nods, clinging to his neck, and Steve reluctantly hands her over to Mary.

Steve pauses before he gets in the car. “Hey, if Danny calls tell him I’m busy.”

Mary gives him a look. “You want me to lie?”

“Just bend the truth a little,” he says. “He worries too much.”

“I’m not your relationship counselor,” she retorts. “Don’t you have a therapist?” 

“Please?” Steve says, not above begging for this.

She shakes her head at him. “It’s your funeral.”

And, well, that’s the least of his worries.

***

Steve heads northeast heading towards Nevada, and by default Las Vegas. And thinks why not, he can stop by on his way through and play a few games of craps, and the slot machines on his mother’s dime. Steve learns it’s a mistake pretty fast, a lifetime of seeing the worst in people makes the glamorization of prostitution and addiction leave nothing but a sour taste in his mouth. Add on the rampant homelessness and poverty surrounding the edges of the glitz and glamour makes Steve feel a hopelessness he can’t ignore. It’s the familiarity that’s the worse part, he’s seen this in every city he’s ever been in. This is just a more blatant, dialed up version.

He heads northeast and finds the endless desert landscape more to his liking, finds it has a simple beauty to it. Also hot, very hot and dry. Travels the road to St. George and sees a Mormon temple for the first time. Finds it big and white and utterly unremarkable next to the parks and mountains surrounding it. In Sand Hollow state park, standing next to a reservoir Steve stops responding to Danny’s calls and texts, feeling pulled apart every time he gets one. He texts Lou once a week to let him know he’s alright. 

Steve dips back south into Arizona and spends a whole day gazing at the Grand Canyon, feeling like a tourist and is too awed to care.

He starts to realize that being alone, truly alone, is a relief. He doesn’t have to pretend he’s alright, he doesn’t have to talk if he doesn't want to, he doesn’t have to be responsible for anyone but himself. It’s silly to think he never realized how heavy the weight of command would be, how much a toll it would take; especially with how much he loves his team, his _family,_ and his constant fear of losing them.

Steve starts taking back roads and side roads when he can, staying a night here and there at hotels that are all named something Inn. They end up being all the same, only differences are the year they were built. Steve finds it hilarious and oddly soothing. The isolation gets to him sometimes, forgetting to eat or shave when there’s no one to care if he does either. If a stranger asks him for directions or spare change his voice is rusty with disuse. It feels too close to grief sometimes and Steve’s afraid to figure out why. 

He continues across Arizona, passes the Navajo Nation and into New Mexico. Gets lost in a place called Pie Town, accidentally turning down a dead end road late at night. Steve thinks about sleeping right there in his car, but eventually turns back around to the highway and when his eyes blur too much he hits the nearest rest stop.

It’s empty and Steve makes a quick trip to the bathroom before laying down in the backseat, using his duffel bag as a pillow. He falls asleep almost instantly and dreams of Danny laughing, and then bickering with him in the car. Feels like a million moments rolled into one, and then they’re rolling on the beach, and Steve touches him. His chest, his arms, his mouth, presses skin to skin and feels the warmth and gets caught on Danny’s smile. The dream changes in an instant, darkness creeping in and Danny’s bleeding out, coughing blood into already red stained sand. 

Steve jerks awake, heart thumping wildly in his chest and half hard in his jeans. He sits up and feels panic creeping in, and takes deep even breaths to cut off his impending freak out. He opens the back door and gets out, letting the cool night breeze bring his heart rate back down. Steve walks to a nearby picnic table and sits down, trying to sort through his messy thoughts. The truth is that dream shouldn’t have affected him like it had, everyone dreams weird shit, _everyone_. He had a weird sexual one about Chin once and only frowned in dismay at remembering it. But this one _mattered_ and he’s been running from acknowledging it ever since he found Danny on that table.

Because Danny means too much to him. Steve has let everyone he’s ever loved go, one way or another, but Steve _can’t_ let Danny go. Refuses to imagine a world without him in it. Doesn’t _want_ to live in a world without him in it. And Steve has absolutely no idea what to do with that. He sits there long enough to watch the sunrise, a brilliant red breaking over a forest of trees. It’s a funny feeling, realizing you're in love with your best friend and having it mean nothing at all, and at the same time, mean everything. 

***

Steve stops at a Best Western Inn right outside of El Paso, and is coming out of booking a room to grab his pack when he sees a man leaning against the side of his car.

Steve slows his walk, knowing who it is by silhouette alone and is both surprised and not. Danny looks good, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, dark sunglasses that hide his eyes and makes it impossible to read him. He looks up as Steve gets closer and gives him an obvious once over, making Steve a touch self-conscious. He needs to shower off the road dirt pretty bad. “Hi, Danny.”

Danny doesn’t reply, instead grabbing the key card out of his hand. “What number are you in?”

Steve’s taken aback, expecting the worst kind of interrogational yelling. “Uh, eight.” Danny picks up the duffel bag at his feet and walks away. “You don’t even know where that is!” Steve calls at his back.

Danny just keeps walking and Steve hurriedly grabs his bag and locks up his car. He has an anxious pit in the middle of his stomach and it only increases when he gets to the room to see that Danny had found it alright, and was throwing his bag onto the king size bed. Steve nudges the door shut with his foot and sets his own bag down on the floor next to the chair by the window. Danny takes off his sunglasses and tosses them onto the nightstand before turning back around to eye Steve up and down again. “You look like shit.” 

Steve sighs. “Thanks, buddy. Nice to see you too.” He tries for calm, hiding his nerves. “How’d you even find me?”

“You know damn well how I found you,” Danny’s voice is cutting. “Otherwise you would have dumped your phone before you left Mary’s.”

Steve can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt because he’d thought of doing exactly that before deciding against it. He hadn’t wanted them to worry about him, or without a way for them to contact him if they needed him. “I figured it would be a sign that I was okay,” Steve says, subdued. “That I was just taking time for myself.”

“Okay?” Danny says incredulously. “How much weight have you lost?” He starts pacing, looking back at Steve in disbelief. “If I had known what the Eat, Pray, Love Americana version would do to you, Jesus, Steve!”

Steve rubs the bridge of his nose. “You see this?” Steve gestures in Danny’s general vicinity. “Is why I didn’t tell you shit. I’m _fine_ , Danny.” 

Danny freezes. “You wanna know when I knew you’d left Mary’s?” he asks, eyes never leaving Steve’s face. “Or when I knew you were never coming back?”

“I’m coming back.” Steve drops his gaze and says, “It’s just a road trip. Trying to see more of the mainland than California. That’s all.” 

“You sister can’t lie for shit,” Danny tells him, ignoring everything he said. “Or maybe she just didn’t want to. Which should tell you something if even your sister thinks it’s a bad idea.”

Steve’s anger and frustration abruptly vanishes, leaving him weary. He falls into the chair behind him, and holds his head in his hands. “What do you want me to say, Danny?”

“I don’t know!” Some tension falls out of Danny’s shoulders, but he’s still far from calm as he sits down on the corner of the bed. “Maybe that you’re not fine, that this isn’t helping you,” Danny says, and takes a breath. ”That you give a damn at how much I worry about you.”

Steve feels cut open. “That’s not fair.”

“Yeah, well, ignoring my calls for a month wasn’t fair either,” Danny says. He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m taking a shower. You couldn’t have picked a hotter state?” Danny doesn’t seem to expect a reply because he takes his bag to the bathroom and shuts the door.

Steve sighs, and thinks maybe he should have listened to Mary’s warning after all.

***

Steve brings back Chinese from down the road while Danny showers, hoping it’ll be a peace offering. It works for the most part, an uneasy truth falling between them and lasts until Danny makes a remark about how he better not complain about sharing the bed this time. He’s too old to sleep on anything else.

Steve’s stomach flips and he hates it. “I’ll get another room,” he mutters. “You stay here, it’s fine.”

Danny shoots him a look. “You’re joking?” He frowns at Steve’s reaction. “You’re not joking. What the hell is the matter with you?” Danny throws up his hands, “You know what, knock yourself out. I don’t care. I’m going to sleep.” Danny purposely gets into the bed and turns off the lamp on the nightstand.

Steve takes a shower instead, pads out in loose pants and a t-shirt and slips into the other side of the bed. Danny’s turned away and completely still, and it takes Steve a long time to fall asleep wondering when it all went so wrong.

***

Steve follows Danny to turn in his rental knowing escape was futile unless he wanted to break more than a few laws. Danny slides into the passenger seat and is silent until they’re five minutes down the road. He turns towards Steve with a horrified look on his face. “Tell me this thing has air conditioning.”

Steve spares him a glance. “I can always drive you to the nearest airport,” he replies, innocently. “Book you the first flight home.”

The look on Danny’s face could make children cry. “Just drive.”

That’s the atmosphere in the car for the next four hours, a hot and increasingly angry Danny Williams silently stewing in the seat beside him. They’re on a back road not too far from Odessa, when Danny says abruptly, “Pull over.” 

Steve knew he’d break eventually but not in the middle of nowhere Texas. “What?”

“Pull over,” Danny says again. Face like stone. “Or I swear I’ll do it myself.”

Steve doesn’t like the look on his face and pulls over onto the grassy shoulder. Danny wordlessly jerks the key out of the ignition and gets out of the car. Steve takes his time stepping out himself, knowing he’s not going to like whatever’s about to happen.

Danny’s bristling with energy, standing not far from the driver’s door, waiting on him. Steve shuts the door and leans against the car, arms crossed. 

“You never answered my question,” Danny speaks, looking down the empty road. “When I asked if you knew when I realized you weren’t coming back.”

Steve sighs and uncrosses his arms. “Danny, I already told you—”

“I saw the security tapes,” Danny cuts him off. “All of them.”

Steve goes cold.

“Junior told me not to, said it wasn't something I wanted to see. But then you stopped responding to my calls.” Danny finally turns to look at him. “I got desperate.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say. _Can’t_ make any words pass his lips.

“You said something to Daiyu Mei,” Danny says. “Right before you shot her.” His eyes are blazing. “What was it?”

Tendrils of fear start to curl up Steve’s spine but he mentally shakes it off. “It was nothing. I don’t even remember.” 

Danny sucks in a breath. “I’m not a very good lip reader,” he tells him. “But Harry came to visit me while you were gone.”

Steve feels pried open, ripped apart for Danny to see all the brittle, broken pieces falling to the ground. He’s like shattered glass spilling out and it’s going to cut them both to pick back up.

“What,” Danny repeats slowly, narrowed eyes never leaving his face. “Did you say?”

Steve realizes Danny’s going to make him say it. “Goddamn it, Danny,” he swears, and then it's his turn to pace, jaw clenching so hard he thinks it might break. Steve slowly turns back around. “I said she made a mistake,” he says, voice low and raw. “That now I didn’t have anything to lose.”

Danny’s control breaks and he shoves him, hard.“You stupid son of a bitch,” he snarls. “Were you _trying_ to get yourself killed.”

Steve’s frustration wars with trying to keep this from escalating. “I wasn’t thinking—”

Danny’s hand hits him in the chest and stays there. “You don’t get to leave me.”

“I thought you were dead,” Steve yells, stepping away from Danny’s hand and starting to get fed up. “I thought I’d gotten you killed.”

That makes Danny pause, frowning in confusion. “You?” He lets out a breath. “It would have been Daiyu Mei’s, and Wo Fat’s,” he says. “Even your fucking mother’s but not _yours.”_

Steve shakes his head and doesn't argue. He looks helplessly at Danny, and says, “I can’t lose you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Danny says, frustration pouring out of him. “You _left_ me.”

Steve lets all the tension drain out of him, and just feels tired. He’s always just tired anymore. He’s also done with this conversation. “Danny, I love you but give me the keys—.”

“What does that mean?” Danny talks over him _again_ , voice rough. “What does that word even _mean_ to you?”

Steve’s confusion isn’t faked. “What?”

“You say it like it’s a get out of jail free card,” Danny tells him. “Every time I voice concern over your stupid ass. Every time I voice something you don’t like you tell me you love me.” Danny’s voice trembles and he stops to take in a breath. “So what does that word mean to you?”

There’s something in his eyes that catches Steve and pins him in place, and it feels like time stops. Every choice he could make laid out before him, everything he never imagined he could _ever_ have. What hits him is the thought that Danny isn’t going to leave him. Not now, not later, maybe not ever, and it terrifies and exhilarates him in turn. 

Maybe it’s self-sabotage; a last ditch effort to push Danny away. Maybe it’s him wanting, _needing_ something for himself for a change. Whatever it is makes him step towards Danny, telegraphing every movement but not slowing down as he puts a hand on Danny’s neck and pulls him into a kiss.

Steve kisses him firmly, and Danny gasps against him before pulling away. “What are you doing?”

Steve releases him and takes a step back, a vast empty feeling trying to pull him to the ground. “Answering you.” He steadies his breathing and makes himself look up. “Go home, Danny,” he says, words tasting like ash. “Let me get my head on straight and I’ll,” Steve stops and finishes hoarsely, “I’ll come home and this won’t change anything.”

“Stop talking,” Danny croaks out, and pushes him hard against the side of the car. Hot black metal burns Steve through his clothes, and his protest gets cut off by Danny’s mouth. He kisses Steve fiercely. “I meant do you know what you’re doing.” He pants out between kisses. “Because I don’t.” Danny’s teeth catch on his lip and Steve can’t _breath._ “But I’m right there with you,” he says, hands fisted in Steve’s hair. “I’m always right there with you.”

Steve doesn’t think, just kisses him back, and something like wonder bubbles up in him. Danny presses hard all along his front, not an inch between them, and he can’t help the groan that escapes him. They kiss like they argue, a desperate push and pull with tongue and teeth and Steve doesn’t ever want it to stop.

The sound of a car coming down the road makes them lurch apart and a pickup blowing country music roars past them with a honk of their horn. Steve knows he’s hard, but looking at the outline of Danny’s dick in his pants makes him dumbfounded. Their eyes catch and burn, fire igniting between them. Danny finally looks away, and wipes a hand over his mouth. “We should get in the car before we get shot by some redneck.” 

Steve doesn’t say anything when Danny gets in the driver's seat, just walks around stiffly and gets in the passenger side. They’re quiet and Steve can feel the sweat on his neck, feel it beading along his hairline. He sighs. “Danny, my head is still a mess.”

Danny huffs out a laugh. “It’s been a mess since I met you ten years ago. You’ve just never stopped long enough to realize it.” The smile he gives him is soft. “Hasn’t driven me away yet,” he says. “It’s not going to now either.”

“I don’t want to go home yet and you got Charlie. I can’t ask you to stay,” Steve says, feeling too many things at once. Like seeing color again when everything has been black and white for so long.

“Stop trying to push me away,” he says, voice still soft. “Charlie’s at summer camp right now and after they’re going to visit Rachel’s family in England. He won’t even know I’m gone.”

Steve just looks at him. “You’ll miss him.” 

“I always miss him, here or there don’t matter.” Danny takes his hand and brings it to his lips, mouth brushing the back of his hand, his knuckles, and Steve will never admit that it makes his heart trip over on itself. “You wanna figure this out with me?”

“You have no idea,” Steve says, voice low and too honest. “How much I want that.”

Danny sets his hand back down by setting it on his own thigh and Steve sucks in a breath. “I think I do,” he says. “Now where to next?”

Steve hasn’t cared about anything less in his life. As long as Danny’s beside him they’ll find their way just fine. “Just drive, Danno.”

***

They stop that night at a Comfort Inn a few hours away from the Louisiana border. Steve books a king on a gamble and Danny doesn’t even bat an eye, flopping onto the bed as soon as he sees it. Stretching and groaning, he mindlessly starts complaining about how that car is a minion of Satan. 

Steve’s nervous but smiles at his antics, there’s nothing on God’s green earth that Danny couldn’t complain about. It’s just a fact of life. “Don’t talk about her like that, she’s a lady.”

“Lady of Satan,” he mumbles into the pillow.

He’s not surprised that by the time he gets out of the bathroom Danny’s asleep, out like a light. Steve just shakes his head, gently tugs his shoes off of him, and gets into bed. He turns the lamp off and falls asleep to Danny’s even breathing. Steve wakes in the middle of the night to find Danny plastered to his side, arm flung over his stomach. Steve checks to see if he’s real, touches the hand on his stomach, feels warm skin under his fingertips, and eases back down. Tries to pinpoint when this became essential, when Danny’s arms started to feel like home. 

Steve takes over driving again the next morning, and they argue on where to go next, or Danny does when Steve repeatedly tells him he doesn’t care.

Steve stops in El Derado, Arkansas to eat and because he loves the John Wayne movie and he knows Danny secretly loves the animated Disney one.

Steve flips them around on a whim and heads towards Baton Rouge, and the next day they end up in New Orleans. Steve has never been and Danny’s hasn't since before Katrina. They take hours exploring, Danny complaining out loud the whole time, but it's his happy complaining which is ridiculous but then that's just Danny in a nutshell. Somewhere in between The National WWII museum and Jackson Square Danny starts touching him, small casual gestures, a pat on the arm, a squeeze to a shoulder, and when Steve returns it in kind it becomes almost a dance, an excuse for them to touch just because. 

They're in a small clothing store because Danny didn’t pack for an extended trip, and Steve tries on what looks like a golfer's hat and looks up to see a grinning Danny. “You doofus, it goes on the other way.” He reaches up to adjust it, putting it on right, and Steve gets distracted by the little crow’s feet around eyes that are sparkling in amusement. Danny brushes his knuckles along Steve’s jaw. “There now you’re a dashing newsboy.” 

They get lucky and book a room with a balcony overlooking Bourbon street and Danny’s glee at it more than makes up for the price. The tension ratchets up as soon as they’re in their room and their bags hit the floor. They order room service and get ready for bed and Steve’s not entirely sure anything is going to happen. Not until Danny comes out of the bathroom shirtless, and in a low riding pair of shorts. Steve gives up on any pretense of not ogling him because, damn it, he _wants._

Danny doesn’t pretend either, striding over to sit next him on the bed and pulling him into a kiss, deep and thorough. Steve touches his chest, slides a hand to curl around his waist, feels muscles twitch under his fingertips. Danny moves his mouth down, nips at his chin, trails bruising kisses down his neck, and Steve can’t hold back a groan. 

Danny moves to pull Steve’s tank top off and throw it across the room, and then presses close enough their chests touch, and it's the thing that makes Steve lose patience. He pushes until Danny gets the idea to lay on his back so Steve can crawl over him. Danny huffs out, “Such a control freak.” But he doesn’t seem to mind as he pulls Steve back into a quick and dirty kiss. 

Steve moves just enough so their hips align and they both stop and pant in union. He sits up, just a little and feels Danny hot and hard against him through two pairs of shorts. He quells the urge to thrust down, knows he could come just from that, and looks at Danny laid out before him, flushed and breathing heavily. “I want to touch you,” he says, but it comes out more like a question. Because Steve doesn’t just want to touch, he wants to _possess._ He wants to take him apart piece by piece, search every inch, find every secret. Needs to figure out why he’s gotten under Steve’s skin, buried so deep he can’t get him out. 

“Yes,” Danny says immediately. He adds with a hint of amusement, “There’s very little you could do to me that I wouldn’t like.”

Steve takes him at his word, hands falling to Danny’s stomach, mapping hints of softness to the hard definitions of muscle and it’s not what he’s used to, not at all, but it’s just as rewarding hearing Danny’s loud inhale as he lightly scrapes his fingernails over his ribs. Steve rubs a thumb over the scar on his side, gets a sudden urge to put his mouth to it and does, earning a groan from above and Danny tensing underneath him. It sets a precedent, his lips follow his hands, Danny’s biceps, his neck and shoulders, down his chest and when Steve sets his teeth into a nipple, Danny jerks upwards. “Jesus, Steve!”

He moves down and drags his nails on Danny’s thighs, leaving hickies afterwards that make Danny try to stifle a whine. He tugs on his shorts, a question in his eyes, and Danny just lifts his hips to let Steve pull them down and off. Danny’s not wearing any underwear and his dick’s flushed and leaking, precome smearing onto his stomach. Steve doesn’t even think, sliding fingers through it and then cleaning the rest with his tongue, tasting salt.

Danny swears at him and then he’s being pulled up and flipped, landing on his back with Danny scrambling over him. He’s pulled into a desperate kiss before Danny’s hauling his shorts and briefs off, Steve trying his best to help. Danny stops and stares at him, and Steve’s own arousal comes barreling to the forefront as Danny slides a knee between his legs. Danny touches him, a single stroke and he groans, the rush of pleasure almost too much for such a simple gesture. “ _Danny.”_

“I know,” he tells him, voice thick. Steve pulls him down in a brutal kiss, tongue diving in with little finesse, and feels Danny’s dick drag against his thigh. Steve can’t lie still anymore, sitting up and taking Danny with him so he’s straddling Steve’s lap, their cocks sliding together. Danny gives a low moan, holding on to his shoulder and he tips his head back, eyes closed. “Fuck, you can fuck me if you want.” 

Steve goes still, and eyes that were caught on Danny’s throat dart to his face. Danny’s eyes flutter open to reveal a darkened, blown out gaze. “You’ve done this before?”

Danny blinks at him and then purposely takes in their position.“I can safely say I’ve never done anything like this.” He smiles and then shrugs. “But with girls I’ve…” Danny trails off and lightly kisses his chin, his mouth. “I know I’ll like it.”

Steve didn’t think this was on the table, not _yet_ anyway, but the idea of being inside Danny is doing funny things to him. Twisting him up in knots with how much he _needs_ , with how much he wants to _take._ “Okay,” he manages to say. “If you’re sure.”

Danny grins, and then stretches, bending over the side of the bed to rummage in his bag, and Steve watches his ass flex and lust tightens in his gut. Feels a new fixation unfold in him. Danny springs back and a small bottle of lube hits his chest. “Can that brilliant tactical mind of yours figure out the logistics from here?”

Danny’s teasing him, but a thought burns through him, making him go hot all over. “I do best with hands on demonstration.” 

“You do, huh?” Danny says, eyes gleaming as he grabs the bottle of lube and drenches his fingers in a liberal amount. He eases up on his knees and reaches behind him, shoulder straining, and Steve feels nothing but few jostled movements. He watches Danny’s face, eyes closed and brow drawn in concentration. Danny makes a small sound, and says tightly, “Hands on, Steven.”

Steve hurries to obey, squeezing probably too much lube on his hand before reaching under Danny. Steve brushes past his balls and Danny sucks in a breath as Steve’s fingers touch his hand. Steve feels that Danny’s got two fingers buried inside himself, and dips a finger in before sliding it in alongside Danny’s fingers. “Oh, god.”

He’s tight and blazing hot, and Danny’s shuddering against him on a long moan. Steve adds another finger and it makes Danny go taunt, a sound catching in his throat. “There, _Jesus._ ”

Steve catches on and does it again only for Danny to rip his fingers out, and pull Steve’s wrist away, panting. “Now, now.” Steve quickly strokes more lube onto himself, and then Danny’s rising up on his knees, and using gravity to help him slide slowly down onto Steve’s cock. 

Steve bites his lip to keep from yelling out, knows nothing has ever felt so good in his _life_ and only then realizes they hadn’t used a condom. Steve’s _never_ forgotten one and possessive thrill shoots through him. A moan slips out when Danny bottoms out and they both still, a sharp tension running through them. Steve looks up to see Danny’s eyes are closed and he’s trembling, fine shakes rocking him. “Danno, look at me.”

Danny’s eyes snap open, and there’s an ocean in them and Steve’s drowning. Steve kisses him softly, tries to say what he feels without words, feels himself smiling against Danny’s lips. “Hey.”

Danny’s smiles in return and rests his forehead against Steve’s, their breaths mingling. “Hey, yourself.” He pulls back slightly and asks, “You ready?”

Steve doesn’t get a chance to answer because Danny’s already moving, slowly rising up and back down. Steve's eyes fall shut at how good it feels and knows he’s barely going to last a minute. He lets Danny ride him until the rhythm evens out and then he tightens his hand on Danny’s hip, and grabs a handful of his ass, thrusting up hard on a downward stroke. Danny’s moan is loud in his ears and then it’s a race to the finish, and Steve lasts until Danny bites his neck, teeth leaving a mark. His orgasm tears through him, his release so blissful the world fades out. 

Steve eyes clear to find Danny stripping his cock, eyes glazed and glued to Steve’s face. Steve groans and reaches to help, Danny coming over both their hands in seconds. Danny falls forward after a minute, head hitting his shoulder, and Steve pulls him close, needing the press of skin.

Danny starts to untangle them and they both make a noise as Steve slips out. They’re a mess, come and lube smeared everywhere, and Steve finds he’s too tired to really care. Danny though, makes a face and a strangled sound as he looks down at himself. “This is new, this is very new.”

He falls to his side, moving to stretch out sore muscles as Danny grabs tissues off the nightstand. Danny tries to wipe up the worst of the mess, and Steve watches his own come drip down Danny’s thigh. Steve gets a rush of primal satisfaction and a twitch of desire he’s too sensitive for, and Danny gets a glimpse of his face. “Fucking neanderthal.” Danny throws his tissues at him, and then drops down onto him, a grin on his face. “Fucking called it.”

Steve suppresses a smile and rolls to get up, standing by the bed. “Move it.” Danny grumbles but gets off the bed, and Steve pulls off the duvet and dumps it on the floor. He slides under the sheet, lifting it up for Danny to follow and then it’s a tussle to get comfortable. He ends up with Danny’s head basically pillowed on his chest, his arms wrapped around him. It takes barely a minute for him to relax into it. Then Danny goes and ruins it by saying, “This is gayer than the sex we just had.” 

Steve rumbles with laughter. “God, shut up. You love it.”

“Yeah, I do,” he says, and Steve hears the soft truth in his words. Steve can’t remember a time he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

***

Steve wakes before dawn and slowly untangles himself from Danny, careful not to wake him. He steps into the first pair of shorts he finds and they turn out to be Danny’s, but he’s just going out to the balcony. He watches the sun rise, the city slowly starting to wake up with it, and thinks of home. Steve thinks of his job and his family and what he really wants the rest of his life to look like. Finds a common denominator in it all. Steve smells coffee before Danny trudges out, wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, and a grumpy look on his face.

He takes a sip of coffee and says, “I don’t know if I should be worried or insulted.” Steve just raises an eyebrow in question. Danny waves a hand at him. “You with that broody face. After last night and this is your face.”

“My face is fine,” Steve says, shaking his head. “I was just thinking.”

“Well, I don’t like it,” Danny says, frowning. “Please stop.”

Steve can’t keep the smile from taking over his face, walking the few feet to take Danny’s coffee and take a drink of it himself. “It’s nothing bad. Just thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life.”

“Oh, is that all?” Danny snarks, but Steve can see the hidden nerves behind it, and wonders how Danny can’t see he’s fallen ass over tits for him. Has been for _years._

“I love you,” Steve tells him, voice hard and unyielding. “I’m _in_ love with you and whatever I decide to do that’s not going to change.”

Danny grabs his coffee back and sets it on the little patio table next to them. He doesn’t say anything and Steve thinks he’s finally made him speechless. “I don’t want to retire and I don’t want to leave 5-0.” Steve knows it's going to happen, maybe sooner rather than later but he’s not ready to throw in the towel just yet. “But I got a great team, the _best_ team and maybe I can share some of my burden with them.” Steve walks back to the railing and says, “I’m not young anymore. Maybe I don’t have to shoot first, maybe I don’t have to jump first.” Steve takes a breath and looks back at Danny. “Maybe I can let someone else take the spotlight for once. I have nothing to prove, and a very good reason to come home at night.”

Danny stares at him, looking a little gobsmacked and then he launches himself at Steve, kissing him for all he’s worth. He pulls back on a burst of laughter. “Ten years!” Danny kisses him again and Steve has to catch him as he tries to climb all over him. “Ten years, Steven, I have been trying to knock some _semblance_ of self-preservation into that thick skull of yours.” Danny’s eyes are bright with almost hysterical laughter. “All I had to do was sleep with you!”

Steve takes this spectacle with as much dignity as he can muster. Which turns out to be very little. “What can I say, your ass is magical.” 

Danny falls over cackling, tears in his eyes, and Steve can’t stop from grinning down at him. Danny pulls himself together, but there's still a mischievous glee in his eyes as he takes Steve’s hand. “Come on, we need a shower and this type of behavior deserves a reward. And I need to practice jerking it from a different angle.” 

Steve chokes on his own spit, but doesn’t hesitate to follow Danny inside. 

***

They make their way through Mississippi and Alabama, stopping when they feel like it and driving when they don’t. Danny makes them stop in the Florida panhandle and all but shoves him into the ocean. He swims for an hour and won’t ever say it, but he finds pieces of himself there that he’d thought he’d lost. That surety in who he is, in what he’s supposed to do, and where he belongs. It took him traveling thousands of miles away to realize it’s not a place or title, but with the people he loves, in the lives he touches. 

They walk the white beaches afterwards and Danny seems to get it, doesn't say a word, just bumps into him every now and then as they walk. A way to say _I’m here._

Steve gets them lost in Georgia, because it’s a backward, snake infested swamp with no redeeming qualities. Or at least Danny rants at him, and his inability to, “Stay on a highway, you moron.”

Steve pulls over in a wooded area off a back road no one has probably driven in years. There’s a small sized river flowing not far from there, and Steve can’t resist pushing Danny in it when he’s not looking before jumping in himself. “Flesh eating bacteria,” Danny sputter yells. “Brain eating amoebas! What is wrong with you!”

Steve just dunks him and laughs. They lay their only towels out on the back of the car and sundry, Danny’s nose turning pink in the blazing summer sun. When it gets dark Steve blows him in the back seat in apology, swallowing him down so he doesn't get jizz on the upholstery. Danny jerks him off afterwards, and Steve catches his hand and licks it clean before he can touch anything. He notices Danny’s stunned look. “What? Penelope is a _lady_.” 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Danny says and kisses the smug look off his face. Steve moves to the front to lay out and sleep for a while. Danny’s spread out and loose-limbed in the back and Steve rests his chin on the back of his seat just to look at him. “I miss my dog.”

Danny makes a humming sound in agreement.

“How long is a straight shot from here to New Jersey?” Steve asks him.

Danny opens his eyes, and looks up at him. “You better not be messing with me, Steven, I’m in a susceptible state right now.”

Steve shrugs. “I miss my dog,” he says again. “And besides I can’t give Penelope to just anyone. I’m sure one of your relatives would love to take her.”

“You,” Danny says slowly. “Want to give your car, the one you just sucked my dick in I might add, to one of my _relatives?_ ”

Steve sighs. “I can’t lug her home, and she needs someone to take care of her.”

Danny throws a hand over his eyes. “Your creepy attachment to this car is getting out of hand.” He peeks out through his fingers. “It’s about thirteen hours to New Jersey from here. Without stopping.”

Steve grins. “We’ll start in the morning. I’ll drive first.”

***

They land home a week after hitting New Jersey, staying at Danny’s parents house in his old bedroom that thankfully had a queen size bed. “I stay here all the time, I’m not gonna sleep in a twin,” Danny had scoffed. Danny’s parents don’t bat an eyelash at them sleeping in the same room, telling him to watch out for Danny’s kicking and to turn him on his side if he starts snoring. Steve tried to ask Danny once if they knew but he’d just shrugged and said, “Don’t know. We’ll know if they sent us a joint Christmas present this year.” Worst part is Steve doesn’t know if Danny is pulling his leg or not.

One of Danny’s uncles takes the car, almost in tears as he pulls Steve into a bear hug, and promises to send pictures. The best part is Steve and Danny get to see Grace, with her coming down after her first year at Columbia to visit for a few days. She’s excited to see them before she’d left, planning on boarding a flight to England to join Rachel and Charlie before school started again. She’s bright and happy, and Steve couldn’t be more proud. He makes sure to wipe Danny’s tears away when she leaves. “You raised one hell of a kid, Danny.”

Danny sniffs. “Feels like it took a village,” he says, looking right at Steve. 

Junior and Tani pick them up at the airport and Steve bypasses them both to grab Eddie as he jumps into his arms. He holds him up and gets slobber all over his face, as Eddie about comes out of his skin in excitement. “Hey, boy, I missed you too.” 

“Well, I feel like chopped liver,” Tani says but with a smile on her face. 

“Don’t mind him, he's been living in the woods and taking to cars. His social skills are rusty.” Danny tells them, pulling out of a back slapping hug with Junior.

Steve lets Eddie slide to the ground, but keeps a hand in his fur. Junior comes up and pulls him into a tight hug. “It’s good to see you.”

Steve’s throat gets a little scratchy. “You too.”

Tani gets her own hug before saying, “Let’s get you boys home.”

***

Epilogue

Steve takes another month off before he goes back to work, and Danny sells his house within two weeks of being back. Steve decides to use some of the money he saved from Doris to renovate the house, adding another bedroom and other little updates here and there. Both Charlie and Grace get a room setup for them for whenever they get to stay. They don’t tell the team about them, figuring they would figure it out for themselves without them having to say a word. But they don’t and as the weeks fly by it becomes a joke between them, a game of how much PDA they can get away with before someone calls them on it. 

It lasts until Steve’s first day back at work, when a random stolen car he’s chasing shoots a rocket launcher out the back of the van at him and he has to swerve into a ravine to miss it. It was not his _fault_ , he was the innocent bystander that had happened to hear the APB at the right time. Or the wrong time, as it be. He’s just a little banged up, a bleeding cut to his head seems to be the worst of it. He’s standing by a squad car when his team shows up, sirens blaring. Danny’s yelling before everyone's even gotten out of their cars. “One day!” Danny’s hands gesture at him wildly. “One day! You couldn’t even go one day without being blown up!”

“I’m fine, Danno,” Steve tries to explain. “It really wasn’t my fault this time.”

“Where’s your truck, Steve?” Danny asks, looking pointedly at the ravine. 

Steve kinda winces and his response gets lost as Danny pushes him against the squad car, and kisses him in front of God, HPD, and their whole team. 

It’s deathly silent before all hell breaks loose, a squawking sound, followed by Tani yelling, “I knew it!” Lou’s quiet, “What,” gets lost in Junior’s loud horrified whisper, “Stop _staring_ at them.”

Steve just kisses Danny and thinks it's good to be finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Savage Garden's _Tears of Pearls._ I love all feedback even if I'm a shy mouse and don't show it like I should. Thanks for reading!


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